


99 problems and you're one of them

by HijikataTrash



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Depressed Oikawa Tooru, Fluff, Forgive Me, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, M/M, Sad, Why Did I Write This?, idek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 07:49:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7968430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HijikataTrash/pseuds/HijikataTrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oikawa found himself laying in his pyjamas on the couch on a Tuesday morning while his mum was rambling about not forgetting his pills or to contact her in any case of emergency (and that being if he felt like ending himself)</p>
            </blockquote>





	99 problems and you're one of them

**Author's Note:**

> Because I'm a sad mess and took it out on my faves lol whoops, Anyways, enjoy this trash:)

Life is not always like a Shoujo manga and certainly is not all that fun. Oikawa learned the hard way. He thought he could endure the constant pain all alone pretty well. He did that just fine his two first years in high school and he never let anyone have the benefit of seeing him cry or be too upset. He lived that way and he didn’t mind anymore, he was used to it.

Except that time, halfway through his third year. He wanted to drop school for a day and evaporate some sort of hidden rage within him. Accumulating pain, anger and sadness was not for the best and it didn’t do any good, be it for his family, his friends or himself. Even though his friends didn’t know anything about this sort of depression he had.

So he ditched his classes for the day, for the first time in his life. He had never done something so wild as to skip school, but he was at a point of no return. If he had gone, he’d just finish by exploding with anger and/or tears and he didn’t want anyone to see him like this. Those three years of hard work to put on a mask and hide his true feelings would be gone like they never existed. Because no matter how many good you do around you, if you do just one bad thing, be it the slightest bad action, people will only ever remember the bad you did.

Going with that logic, the most reasonable thing to do was to leave in the morning, walk around the bloc once or twice and come back once his mum would be gone. That’s what he did, his plan well thought and elaborate, but when he came back, his mum was leaning on the counter with her arms crossed on her chest, waiting for him.

“I know.” That’s all she said before he broke down in tears on his knees as his mum caught him before hitting the wooden floor. She hugged him for a good 10 minutes whispering things like “it’s alright Tooru”, “I’ll call in absent for you” or “I love you, it’s okay” and he felt so bad and his chest was tightening with hurt. He hated for his mum to see him all broken and weak. He felt as if he had failed her in the worst possible way by not being able to be happy. She was constantly reminding him that these sorts of things were not in his control and that she would never abandon him.

The thing is, his father always used to say this too before he left. How precious his family was and he wouldn’t dare leave their side. But that morning when he woke up to his mum’s tears and screams, still a toddler, he didn’t comprehend his mum’s hurt or the how his own father would go away without beforehand notice. When he grew older, by the age of 10, his mum explained to him the how and the why his daddy was never coming back like he had hoped. He was tired of the same old routine at home and when he met this 10 years younger than him pretty lady, he took his chance and flee. Oh, he took good care of bitching and arguing with his dear wife before he left, but never did it cross his mind to say goodbye to his only child.

The same year, a letter came in with the usual bills and deadlines reminders, but to his name. His mum didn’t bother to look further into it and just gave it to Oikawa. What he wasn’t expecting was the letter to come from none other than his dad. He didn’t open the letter. He didn’t even thought about it twice before tossing it in his drawer and for it to be forgotten for a month.

2 weeks after his eleventh birthday, he remembered the mysterious letter and decided that he was mature enough to read it. The paper smelled like cigarettes, thing he never noticed before, but now it was hitting him like a damn truck. His dad never smoked in his memories.

“Dear Tooru,

I hope you are okay living alone with your mother after all these years.”

His handwriting was shaky and difficult to read, he could barely make out the words.

“I am deeply sorry for leaving your side 5 years ago without even saying goodbye. The thing is, I was a coward. Still am. I couldn’t face you then nor could I face you right now.”

Truth is, Tooru didn’t want to see this man’s face either.

“But if you could do one thing for me, I will be always grateful.”

He thought he could ask things out of him? Who did he think he was?

“Tooru, I want you to call me. Just once. I want to hear your voice before…”

At this point, Tooru couldn’t make out what was written on the paper. It was messy and grubby. As if someone had poured drops of water onto it. He ran to his mum for her to read it. She was whispering the words and then he heard it.

“Before…I die. I just want to hear my son’s voice before I die. Please, I am begging you.” His mum choked and brought her hands to her face. She got up quickly and made two calls. After the second one, she exploded in a mess of tears. Oikawa was still standing in the living room, staring at the void. He understood. His dad was dead and it was his fault. At least it felt like it. His mum left him at his grandma’s house for two weeks and proceeded to not talk to him from the phone call to the way to their house two weeks later. He knew. She blamed him, it was his entire fault. If he had read the letter sooner, it wouldn’t be like this right now.

He’s 17 now and the scars are still there. No matter how many times his mum tells him, he feels guilty. To add to his sorrow, a week earlier his best friend announced to him that he was going to a different university. His world shattered. Oikawa is currently at lost as to what to do. Losing his place to the nationals, his best friend and his dad’s death anniversary coming up everything was too much, even for him.

That’s how he found himself laying in pyjamas on the couch on a Tuesday morning while his mom was rambling about not forgetting his pills or to contact her in any case of emergency (and that being if he was feeling like ending himself or running out in the rain to make himself sick). After another 10 minutes of making sure he was going to be okay and wouldn’t miss anything, his mum finally left.

He was left alone in this big and empty house with for only company his thoughts. Oh, not a good idea. He tried to silence them with the sound of the TV. or music but they just didn’t want to shut the hell up that day. It’s always the same, the blame for his father’s death, the reminders of his constant failures, the self hating thoughts or just how he was not good enough and will never be. He could never do anything normal like a normal boy his age. He wasn’t normal after all. Did his friends take pills every day to stop them from killing themselves? Did his friends kill their dad? Did his friends make themselves sick to avoid any social situation? Were they gay and shamelessly in love with their childhood best friend? Doesn’t think so. They weren’t like him nor would they ever be. He was alone.

-

He was suddenly awoken by the bell. When did he fall asleep? Must be the pills making him sleepy. Then again, did he take them? He looked at the time, 10: 33. He had been sleeping for almost 3 hours? He walked up to the door and opened it without thinking twice about it, his first mistake. When he saw who it was he closed the door violently to their face, his second mistake. When the person on the other side yelled to open up he jumped back in surprise and fell on the ground. His third mistake was not taking his pills earlier. His fourth and last one, was getting unnecessarily angry at the moment the person entered and punched a hole through the wall in front of them.

Iwaizumi stood there with his eyes wide open and shocked. Never in his life had he seen Oikawa this angry. It shocked him beyond belief; he never thought that his childhood friend was capable of punching a rock hard wall and pierce it. What he didn’t like about this whole situation (not that there is something positive about it), is that Oikawa looked immensely panicked and on the verge of breakdown. It worried him so much he almost started panicking too, but he knew better. It would only result in stressing Oikawa more.

He looked so distressed and Iwaizumi was at loss of what to do. The only time he went through something similar was quite some years ago, his mum who suffers from anxiety hadn’t taken her pills and had a severe panic attack. At that time-not knowing what to do- he went with his instinct and made her sit on the ground, in the middle of the street, and did some breathing exercise along with comforting words. After the incident Iwaizumi went through the trouble of learning everything there is to know about anxiety and anything linked to it. He is quite the pro now, almost as good as a therapist.

But now, this was pure anger mixed with stress and…sadness, he’d say. Oikawa, who was now on his knees with his head in his hands, clearly on the verge of destroying something, be it an object or himself.

-

He was full, too full of emotions and it was getting so heavy it felt like he could get physically sick now. Oh and he did. Under Hajime’s round eyes he ran to the bathroom and made it just in time to throw his guts out and upon hearing his best friend’s loud footsteps he said in a rather slow and rusty voice to give him his pills in the cabinet. He stared at his best friend struggling to find them since there were quite a lot of bottles in there. When he finally-with shaky hands and letting a breathe he didn’t know he was holding go- handed them to Oikawa who took them.

He poured two of them in his hands and swallowed them quickly, clutching his chest and breathing heavily. He still felt like throwing up so he sat on the ground beside the toilet and took his head in his hands to finally let his tears flow out. He felt…ashamed that Iwaizumi saw him like this, at his worst, weak, depressed. ‘Well that’s years of hiding everything thrown out the window’, he thought all the while cursing himself for not being careful enough. He could never face him now, what would he even think of him?

“T-thanks…you can go now, Iwa-chan.” The latter hadn’t moved since he was asked to earlier. When Oikawa called out to him he snapped out of a trance he didn’t even know he was in and looked down to the messy Oikawa. It didn’t feel nor looked like the Oikawa he knew, but somehow there was something in all of this that felt normal. Like something fake, a lie had been revealed and it all made sense. The times when Oikawa called him in the middle of the night for reassurance, when he faked a sickness to avoid a social situation, when he left social gatherings really early without telling anyone, when he was all shaky in class when his turn to present was coming, everything.

He kneeled down to be at his height and removed his hand from in front of his eyes delicately.

“Go Iwa, just…leave” he closed his eyes shut and bowed his head to prevent Iwaizumi to see his face. He didn’t like it one bit. He didn’t like seeing his best friend, his favourite person in the world, like this. Still in a very careful way, Iwaizumi let go of Oikawa’s wrists and tilted his head by the chin with his left hand. With his right one he stroked his cheek, manoeuvring him to look at him deep in his eyes.

“It’s okay, Tooru.” Tears filled his eyes once again and he cried his heart out before jumping in Iwa-chan’s arms. He hugged him like he never hugged anyone in his life. He let his walls fall down and all the barriers he was keeping up destroyed to the ground. He grabbed Iwaizumi in an attempt of comfort.

“You probably hate me now, but please don’t let go, don’t ever let go” he was whispering just in his ear.

“I don’t hate you, Oi. I’m never letting you go, don’t worry.” He hugged him tight, desperate for closure and reassurance. Even though Oikawa was the one in need of it, he had been so scared earlier, so scared when the truth hit him, so scared of losing him, that he felt a deep urge to feel him, to feel his presence to know he was there, alive, perhaps a little broken, but there in front of him.

They stayed like this for a while. Looking at it exteriorly might have seemed strange, but they didn’t care. The only thing that mattered right now, for both of them, was to seek a little bit of love from the other. Something real, even it being temporary.

While he felt himself calm down, he dared to say the thing he never had the courage to say.

“Iwa-chan, I’m-I love you...” At first he didn’t answer, so Oikawa repeated his words.

“I heard dumbass, I love you too.” Iwaizumi chuckled at his silliness. But he was being serious.

“No, not in that way,” He pushed Iwaizumi off him for a second. “I mean, I _love_ you.” He put emphases on the word love, and Iwaizumi seemed to understand.

“Oikawa, me _too_.” He gasped and without further warning, Iwaizumi pulled their lips together, connecting them in a way they had never been.

At this moment, Oikawa knew he was not alone, the path to recovery was far, but he had Iwaizumi by his side now. Somehow, that was enough to give him a sense of happiness after so many years.  

**Author's Note:**

> Whaddup, how was it? Not too bad I hope ahah


End file.
